This article might have been a lot gloomier to read a couple of years ago, but studies show that divorces are currently lower in new marriages than they have been in decades.. The changes, while still difficult, are much easier to handle when you’re ready. It's over: The four problems NO marriage can survive (and having an affair ISN'T one of them) Micki McWade is a divorce expert and psychotherapist Says problems in marriage must not be left too late My wife tells everyone our problems and it has become a huge issue in our marriage. Missy blogs at Far From Flawless where she writes about leading a Christian life with a blended family hoping that sharing her journey will empower others to shun the mask of imperfection and open themselves to authentic living. Sometimes, they will even misjudge you for what you’ve been through. I don’t exactly know where that came from but I hid those things from the people closest to me and tried to present a false front of having it all together for years. That’s the short answer to your question. Also a retired nurse, Mrs Grace Okunloye, told SUNDAY PUNCH that discussing one’s marital problems with one’s parents might not be a good idea because it could affect the parents … Many families have not been taking social distancing as … Sharing your marital frustrations with other family members should be the rare exception, not the rule. When couples first contact me for help with their marriage … Then think about why it is you feel this way? For example, “tight-knit” could imply that the members of your clan are clingy, controlling, co-dependent, disrespectful of personal boundaries, and always butting into each other’s business. Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.. My mother, I don’t think was ever able to do so. I had a three month old and a two year old and a four year old at the very beginning. Unless your relationship isn’t that serious or is just starting up, it is abusive, or you are definitely breaking up or getting a divorce, keep your mouth shut about your relationship problems to friends and family. Dr. Saudia Twine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, agrees that while it’s common to turn to your friends about a disagreement you’re having with your spouse, it’s important to ask what you want out … If you find yourself needing a third party to help you work things out, we’d urge you to seek out a same-sex individual who can maintain a purely detached and disinterested perspective – a pastor, for instance, or a qualified marriage counselor, or a trusted friend or church elder. Do you feel you’re disappointing them? We at least never had the chance to move past those. For example, “We’ve started seeing some patterns such … You tell them about the problems in your marriage and how your spouse just doesn't understand you or your needs. You may find that your unwillingness to be open has more to do with your own beliefs and expectations than those of your family. “Marriage … Copyright © 2021 Walker Business Ventures LLC/Since My Divorce. My name is Patrick and I am sharing my marital journey with you as a guest blogger for the Marriage … Be protective of your family’s … Perhaps you’re familiar with a local counsellor or pastor to whom she can turn for help. Are they really the kind of people you can trust with your secret marital frustrations? In the end were have filed for Divorce but I am true to myself and don’t need a Toxic person in my life. No marriage is perfect. Strengthening Marriage Couples who have chosen to work through marital problems will find that the Holy Ghost will guide them on their journey. Only if the sharing, the venting, and the “support” they garner for you are likely to produce positive results in your marriage. It’s all a matter of discretion and wise discernment. If so, seek out a trained marriage counselor who can help you work through your issues. I think you do have give them the opportunity to support you and then when that doesn’t happen, you draw your boundaries appropriately. If that’s the case, then you probably don’t want to give them a window into what’s happening between you and your spouse. To admit vulnerabilities was a weakness or to admit that he was not accessible. When a partner cheats, questions will arise of how a marriage … Call us. My father was very willing to extend that. Take, for example, a couple who has … Generally speaking, you and your wife should keep your conflicts and disagreements … How Do You Reconcile Divorce With Your Faith. Perhaps you and your husband have trouble communicating on this level. If, on the other hand, you believe that your family members have the capacity to listen compassionately to what you have to say, and if you’re convinced that their only motive in doing so would be to offer you good, solid, objective, and disinterested advice, it might be worth your while to open your heart to them. They can also refer you to reputable and qualified marriage counselors working in your area. The problem is that family members are often too emotionally involved, too biased, and too invested to maintain a helpful and objective point of view. Hi John – you are absolutely right – not all families are like Missy’s. Very practical ways of being supportive, as well as the emotional support. On one hand, it seems reasonable to expect to open up to close friends or family about struggles you are facing without any objection from one’s spouse. Every couple needs a strong support system – a group of people they can turn to in times of trouble. After several attempts at correcting this concern of mine, it has yet to end. “We should seek permission from our spouses to share marriage problems with one or two trusted friends.” He applies it to a husband’s love for his wife. If you've been dealing with some problems in your marriage, you may be wondering if you should confide in a friend or family member. Have Focus on the Family resources helped you or your family? For example, instead of launching into a litany of complaints about your wife, you might ask your parents how you can be a better, stronger husband. They are your friends and family so of course they are going to take your side which can be dangerous for your marriage … But how do you determine this? Money problems are a common cause of marital problems. Do you think they won’t support you? It includes cheating and having emotional affairs. Marriage and conflicts go hand in hand. And, the newfound problems can make people look out for marriage survival tips. How challenging this is depends on your relationship with them, the nature of the problems and how long you’ve been keeping them hidden. They lend a sympathetic ear and you leave the conversation feeling better. We've always been a very tight-knit family, and there are few people I trust more. For some reason, I had the false belief that I wasn’t supposed to have problems. Just little things to be helpful. He’d stop by my husband’s office at the time and take him to lunch and let him know that they were rooting for us, that type of a thing. While you didn't enter your marriage looking for an ax to grind with your in-laws, over the course of your marriage you've had cause to question their … Required fields are marked *. If it is a woman who is sharing the problem with a male friend, the friend may read between the words and draw his own … Infidelity is one of the most common marriage problems in relationships. 8 Tips to Protect Your Marriage from In-Laws. Still, there are some relationship problems you … Rather than just barreling ahead and getting it done, I would encourage you to think about all the reasons you’ve been holding back. Remember, God has designed your marriage to be an exclusive relationship. I certainly was. We’d suggest that the best plan is to maintain a certain degree of distance and decorum. Is there any way to know whether the results are going to be positive or not? I remember my dad would come over sometimes at 9:00 p.m. after they were in bed, just so I could go to the grocery store alone and not have to take three children. No matter how connected we feel in our relationship, how much we love each other, there are moments of anger leading to fights. Pure “venting” is not a good idea. You share … Their reaction was surprising. If you’ve had your own marital issues you can use your personal experience to open a conversation with your kids Stick to a script. From both family & friends. If not, Focus on the Family Canada’s counselling department can provide you with referrals to qualified marriage and family … A 2020 survey by The Senior List, a website dedicated to studying aging, found that 17 percent of 191 older coupled individuals said … Ideally, we all want extended family to part of that network. Your email address will not be published. Problems can also arise due to a drastic difference in … That said, a common issue between spouses is when one or both partners change their minds and come up with new plans or ambitions as time passes. Generally speaking, you and your wife should keep your conflicts and disagreements between yourselves. My wife and I continue to go in circles with this issue. Few things in life feel better than spilling your guts, in good times and bad, to the people who get you. Our marriage isn't in crisis, but there are times when I need some support or simply want to vent. I am so glad your family and friends came through for you. The reality is that you didn’t because you weren’t ready. How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, Each for the Other: Marriage As It’s Meant to Be, Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage: How Healthy Conflict Can Take You to Deeper Levels of Intimacy, Energizing Your Marriage with Love and Respect, Restoring Your Marriage Through Healthy Conflict. Do you think they will judge you? Other instances that are included in infidelity are one-night … People often keep the struggles between them and their spouse private but you reach the point where it’s time to share your marital problems with your family. This is the best way to preserve safety and trust at the heart of your marriage. That’s what the longer answer is all about. Or is this more because of your own expectations, like Missy’s expectations of needing to have her life together? Understanding this will not only help you have these conversations but will also help your own development. They were very hands-on. The problem, however, is that a sympathetic ear is not objective. According to the American Psychology Association, there is evidence linking perceived social isolation … People often keep the struggles between them and their spouse private but you reach the point where it’s time to share your marital problems with your family. So, you turn to your friends and family for a shoulder to lean on. ResourcesIf a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer. Extended family can still put a strain on a marriage, even with lockdown. But sharing things carelessly, to the wrong person at the wrong time, can change a problem into a full-blown crisis. I felt I was disappointing them in some way, but I was so pleasantly surprised at how willing and able and ready they were to be helpful, to support me, to encourage me, just to give me a break sometimes. Sharing your marital problems with a friend of the opposite sex spells danger. If you still need to let someone … divorce advice | divorce support | divorce help | divorce coaching, December 17, 2013 By Mandy Walker 4 Comments. It might further suggest that your parents don’t understand what it means for married children to “leave” the nest and “cleave” to one another as an independent husband-and-wife unit. I kept all of the emotional abuse to myself for 4 years, the last 2 were hell. Even as we were supposedly working on the marriage and trying to work things out, I think she had a lot of issues with trusting that he would be able to change. But still from then forward, I’ve been able to be very real and let them know when we had challenges or when money’s tight or loneliness, all of those types of things. It is a challenging problem to solve within a marriage, let alone a family. He says, “In the same way, husbands … I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marital problems. It’s not just the people under one’s roof who are creating stress. That first time he left, the children were very young. Opening up can be daunting for all the reasons Missy gives. You alone are in a position to determine where your parents and siblings fall along that spectrum. Now, when my divorce actually became final, by that point my parents had relocated and I no longer had family in the area, which was difficult. Family members get angry and feel negatively about the spouse. When you encounter marriage problems… Instead of saying, “She has no respect for my opinions and refuses to submit to my authority,” you could pose the question, “How can I learn to be a more effective leader for my wife?” That’s one way to address your concerns directly without attacking and betraying your spouse. A difference in opinion about saving and spending habits can create tension. The first step is to gauge the emotional stability and psychological health of your parents and siblings. Should you decide that it would be helpful to share some of your “issues” with your family, the next step is to give a lot of careful thought to the question of how to go about it. How challenging this is depends … Are there incidents or events from the past? When someone hurts your children, I think it creates barriers that are very difficult. Your email address will not be published. I often hear from people that they wish they’d said something sooner or wished they’d ended their marriage sooner. Guess what? They all encounter problems. Opening up to my family absolutely changed how my family treated my husband, especially I would say with my mother. Focus on the Family has a staff of trained family therapists available to speak with you over the phone for a free consultation. I was a single mother with three children. If you want to preserve its integrity and promote its health, you have to take measures to protect it from outside meddling. Home » Family QAs » Get Help » Family Q&A » Relationships & Marriage Q&As » Sharing Marital Frustrations With Family. One problem with confiding in friends about your marital problems is that you often give them a very one-sided account of the situation — and thus get a skewed response. And at these times is it ok to share these relationship woes with our friends and family? My father was much more willing to hope for that and give him the benefit of the doubt and would even take him to lunch. Sharing problems with family is very important for happiness because that helps to free up your mind. Then I started telling family and friends and the support has been wonderful. A reconciliation may take place between the husband and wife, but since no reconciliation happens between the family and spouse ill feelings toward the spouse remain. Using the gospel for guidance will not only mend marriages, it will strengthen them to last through eternity. It should not have been, but for some reason I had a false impression that I was supposed to have it all together. Should I share my marital frustrations and problems with my parents and siblings? Is that okay? Sharing your marital frustrations with other family members should be the rare exception, not the rule. Will their advice help us in solving problems … Squad talk is kind of like church. If you do not share your problems … Sometimes I think the more intense the problem, the more we try to hide them, because we’re in a denial ourselves to a certain extent or at least I was. It’s natural to want to talk to your friends and family about your marriage – especially when you’re having marital problems. “Tight-knit” can mean a number of things, not all of which can be described as “healthy” or “functional.”. Good for you because a lot of families do not react the way your family did. On the whole, we wouldn’t recommend making a habit of this kind of thing. My current guest, Missy had been married for about eleven years when she discovered her husband had been unfaithful again. What I’m referring to is talking about your relationship problems to your friends and family. Marital problems can make a person feel somewhat … This time she asked him to leave and it was time to tell her family what was going on. Here’s Missy: Opening up to my family was difficult. Susan and I have had our moments of venting to friends in our 28 years of marriage. 8605 Explorer Drive Colorado Springs, CO 80920-1051, Tough Love in Adult Relationships: What It Is, What It’s Not, and How to Use It, Grandparents Threatened to Either Support Transgender Grandchild or Be Cut Off, How to Find Counseling Support for Teen With Sexual Identity Issues. By: Jon Jaehnig Updated August 27, 2020. Infidelity is, unfortunately, one of the main reasons for divorce. Hopefully, when you do tell them, they will respond with love and support and hopefully you’ll be willing to accept their help. You seem to think so, apparently basing your assessment on the fact that you’ve “always been a very tight-knit family.” We’d like to suggest that this merits a closer look. Older adults are not immune to these marital issues. Your partner, children, and parents are the most trustable persons and can give you full support to solve your problems. It was a gift. Before baring marital problems … We all need to talk about our problems from time to time, … You have such a loving and wonderful family Missy! She did not have confidence that he would be able and willing to change. 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